"And it did come to pass, in the days of the great sizzling, there came forth into the land Hickory Smoked, and Maple, and yea, even Thick Cut, delivering unto the masses that which was good, both to the tongue and to the stomach. And it was delicious. Amen." - Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrypha, Chapter 1, verse 16
"And unto some it was given chewy, and unto others he did fry unto the the chrispy. Unto all he did saveth the grease for it was good in his eyes that the grease be used unto the frying of many other things, like unto the frying of hamburgers and the meltiness of cheddar. He saw that bacon of chewiness was good, and he saw that chrispiness was likewise good, but as to within his own house he did dane unto preference choose the chrispy. This being done unto the manner of those things done in an orthodox, yet universal, manner." - Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrypha, Chapter 2, verse 24
"And it shall come to pass, after the breaking of many freshness seals, that there shall be a host that will attempt to emulate the True Bacon, even unto the coming forth of a similitude of bacon from the turkey and from the cow. And in these days shall come forth the most heinous of blasphemies in mine eyes, for there shall be abroad in the land that which claims to be bacon, but be not of the holy hog, nor of turkey, nor of the bovine, but of shrubbery and roots and tubers and sundry other things grown in dirt and offal.
"And I say unto thee, be wary and not deceived, for those that feast on this abomination shall be called 'vegan' and claim blessings, yeah, even unto the claiming of powers beyond those of mortal men as shown unto us by the noble Pilgrim. While they follow their own path, the false Bacon is a danger that must be rooted out, even unto it's use as kindling, for that is what it was truly intended, even unto the grilling of bacon. So it is written." - Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrypha, Chapter 2, verses 32 & 33
"And lo, it did come upon the land that time to celebrate the birth of the Bacon! And many did wish up on him well. And I did wish him many of the joyous returns, a long life, and much glory unto Bacon, which is good. For behold, I am of the awesome." -Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrapha Chapt 5 verse 14
"And he did declare unto the masses 'Do not be a-feared, nor tremble, nor quake before idols brought forth and composed of bacon! For these are provided unto you, who are true and strong in the faith to consume unto the showing of thine strength and courage and thine testicular fortitude! For the weak shall shirk from such, but the mighty and true shall consume mightily and many will be awed by thine display!'
"And the masses did consume, and yea it was most tasty, and they did consume until there was not any for seconds. It was that there was even not one scrap or crumb left. And the consuming was so mighty and quick, that the Shepherd was unable to partake.
"And he did weep." - Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrypha, Chapter 6, verses 15-18
"And he did say unto the masses, 'It is good for man to spread forth the bacon, for it is purpose is not just unto the breakfast and the cheeseburger, but also brought into harmony with lettuce and tomato, even unto the making of the salad and BLT. But be thee wary. One must beware bits claiming to be of the Bacon, yet are naught but filler and flavoring." -The Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrapha, Chapter 7, verse 11
"And it shall come to pass, in the season of a men of steel and iron, lone rangers, thunder gods walking amongst dark worlds, and titans struggling along the Pacific rim, that a time of peace and serenity shall come upon the Bacon. And even such shall come up on the Gunn and the Lady, if it shall be good within the eyes of those who wield the Great Skillet on High. There shall be much rejoicing and celebration, and the consuming of that which is most holy, even unto a bounteous feast brought forth by one known as Carl the Younger, which shall even be called super in the eyes of the masses, filled with the meat of cow and swine and cheeses. In those days, there shall be much rejoicing. And in those days, great was the leveling and raiding there in." -Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrypha, Chapter 20, verse 20
"And in those days, there shall come forth one blessed to be called of the Bacon, and he shall burn bright like unto a grease fire. Many shall find connections unto him, yeah even unto six degrees. But his light shall sputter and falter, yea even unto a symbol and type of the internet connection of the great and majestic Bacon!" - The Book of Gunn, Bacon Apocrapha Chapter 22 verse 6
The Heresy of Bacon
He grilled the bacon, gave it to his disciples, and said: "Take, eat; this is my bacon which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me." When the cooking was done, he took the cup, gave it to his disciples, and said: "This is the grease of the new covenant, poured off for you and for many for the frying of other foods. Do this in remembrance of me."
No comments:
Post a Comment